The hot springs and Sinead's rant

So we set off from Jenny & Ben's and head for Rotorua - a four hour drive north east. El Presidente/Mugabe is on good form though we find it impossible to pick up a radio station. Every once in a while we burst into "The road is long ... with many a winding turn" and then hum for a bit cause neither of us knows the rest of the words.

We pull out of a junction and the next thing we hear is a thunderous horn. "What the hell?" I look in my mirror and see nothing but the silver grill plate of a massive truck. "Keep yer knickers on rubber ducky" Sinead shouts. The truck proceeds to chase us down until we get to a hill, where it obviously struggles."Ha ha sucker. You're no match for El Presidente," Sinead sings out. She puts the foot down and we blast on over the hill.

We arrive in Rotorua and check into the 'Budget Backpackers' - the clue is in the name people - (Sinead arranged the second half of the trip and is loving my reaction). "C'mon Lis, it'll be an experience" she laughs, "just embrace it."

I don't think this place is ready for the Louis Vuitton luggage, though - annoyingly - Sinead has been referring to it as the 'Louis Walsh' ever since we left which has taken a lot of the glamour out of it. I'll never look at the bag the same way again.

The guy on reception takes us to our room. It's like a nun's bedroom. Shin sits down on her bed and practically sinks to the floor. Then bursts out laughing. "Embrace the softest beds in the world Lis."

We head along the corridor and out the back door to get the bags from Mugabe. As we pass the last room on the left we catch sight of something neither of us is prepared for and causes us to look at each other and say "Did you just see that?'

It was an old fat naked guy sitting in his pants watching TV with his door open. I'm loving this place more and more.

We quickly pack our swim stuff into our bags and head along the road to sample the hot springs at the Polynesian Spa. This is more like it. We get changed. Shin is in one of the cubicles and an old Japanese woman knocks on her door. Shin pops her head out, looks surprised, then proceeds to stare the old woman down until she walks away.

We walk outside to the thermal pools and get in the first one - 36 degrees. "Lis, did you see all those Japanese women washing each other in the showers?" "No." "Aye, they were all totally washing each other and one woman was bent over and another was totally scrubbing her back like this," Sinead demonstrates vigorous scrubbing action with her two fists. "There can't be any need for that. I mean, she's only been sitting in the Spa not oot pickin rice. And there was another woman, did you see her, totally in the buff and staring at me like I was the freak. I just thought, check you hen, you're the one with your tits oot. I'm not into this Lis, I dinae need to be seeing anyone's muff or their swinging pups. Put them away. There's just no need."

Sinead calms down a bit and we enjoy the springs and the cool breeze. An older woman (60s) woman with a crocodile Dundee hat and a pair of safety goggles from the science classroom is in the spa with her husband/partner. She starts chewing on his ear and Sinead says loudly "Oh my God. Check crocodile Dundee. she's sucking his ears. We're in the bloody love spa. There's just no need." The couple leaves shortly afterward.

Across from us is a woman recovering from a nose job - or a mugging. She's all bandaged up with black eyes and is reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Sinead leans over and says "I think she needs to read a few more chapters."

The Japanese pensioners all come running out enmasse and get into the pool with their sun visors. We take this as our cue to head into the 38 degree pool. There are a few Scandinavians in here and Shin keeps telling me they all want to talk to me cause they think I'm one of their own. A Japanese woman comes in and practically sits on Shin's knee. I spot the signature eye roll followed by the disbelieving head shake. Then, a Japanese man in tight shorts with nothing to show for it, tries to sit on my knee so we get out and jump into the 40 degree pool.

We hang out here for a while but decide we need to take a breather before getting into the hottest pool - 42 degrees. After about 10 mins sitting on the sidelines and a couple of glasses of water, we get in. It feels really hot and my pink legs aren't thanking me for it. We persevere though and my back rejoices when I submerge myself.

Soon afterwards, two elderly Scandinavian women join us. They are finding it a bit too hot. Then the husband of one of the women appears and tells his wife she's got to get in because he wants to take a picture of her. She says it's too hot but he persists so she edges in ever more deeply. "Your position is no good for the sun," he declares and makes her get in further. Then he tells to get lower. "Down, down, lower, left a bit. Finally, he gets his shot and his wife is free to go running from the pool.

"Well, he obviously gets her to do everything he wants," Shin says loudly and with more than a hint of disgust. I agree. "If I were her, I would just give him those same instructions back tonight." Shin shakes her head at me disappointingly.

We finish off our replenishing experience with some fresh fruit juices before heading back to the backpackers. The old fat naked guy is still sitting in his pants watching TV. Shin looks in as she passes :"He's wearing a baseball cap and has long brown hair," she reports.

We lock ourselves in our tiny spartan room and start laughing hysterically. "I feel like we're in prison, Lis."

"I'm embracing it Shin, I'm embracing it."