The trouble with coconuts

Our last day on Aitutaki and it's a scorcher. We're up early and I make French toast and omelette. We head out to the ... Post Office (how exciting is that?) and I buy some rare stamps for my pension. We stop by the spider cafe to check the email for NZ arrangements and let the warm breeze blow through our hair as we ride back to the beach hut.

Sinead asks Solo, the owner of the hut, if we can take a bit longer with our packing. "Sure," he says, "you ladies take all day. No hurry. I will take you to the airport at 6pm." Cool.

I mention to Shin for the 20th time that I can't believe my boss hasn't even acknowledged receipt of my resignation email. What if I was just joking? "It was really polite and everything." Sinead agrees it's a poor show. "Oh, I've got that picture of me writing 'I Resigned' in the sand on Honeymoon Island," I say excitedly - "Let's look at it." We do. It looks really cool. Well, until I zoom in a bit. I can't remember if I actually shrieked but Sinead got a fright. "What is it?"

"Oh my God. Do I really look like that?" Sinead took the camera from me and looked at it - nonplussed - "aye."

The photo is hideously hilarious. I'm wearing shorts (never a good thing for a start) which show off to glaring effect my burning red thighs. Nice. It would be a bit better if the red thighs continued all the way up to meet the shorts. They don't. There's a nice white section before you get there. My calves are riddled with red lumpy mosquito bites and - just to top it all off - the bruise I got on the side of my right knee whilst cycling in San Francisco is practically winking at the camera and shouting "look at me. I'm all huge and black and blue and yellow." Lovely.

We're both hysterical and Shin is laughing so hard she's not making any noise anymore and there are little tiny tears running down her face.

"Well, I can't show anyone that." I say quite definitely.

Shin is flicking through the rest of the photos and keeps erupting with laughter. She's holding the camera out to me and shuddering violently.

I look at the picture. It's one of me sitting on the veranda in my sun hat and shades. Obviously thinking I look so damn fine. But I really don't. There's an array of different strap marks, about 5 different shades of pink and some white patches.

I choke. "I look like Bubbles DeVere from Little Britain." Shin falls off the bed laughing. I'm laughing too but there's a sadness in there as well.

When I was in Mexico I got a brilliant tan. Mostly because all I did for 2 weeks was flip myself over on the lilo every 20 minutes whilst floating around the pool. (it was a time of contemplation and reflection.) Even then though, I was wearing different bikini bottoms each day with the result that slightly more or less of my ass was being covered at different times. The end result was a really deep tan on the outermost part, followed by some pink, before getting to milky white. "Oh my God. I've got a neopoli-tan." I must say it was a talking point amongst everyone who saw my ass over the next few months. I told one of my friends about it and she still serves up Neapolitan ice cream occasionally when I go for dinner.

After Sinead and I's giggle fest, Shin headed out in the kayak and I hung out the washing. I was at the beginning of the line when I heard a loud crack. I looked up and saw a coconut hurtling towards me from the tree. It fell about 6 inches away and, still spinning, rolled towards me and slammed into my inside right ankle. It was agony. It broke the skin too so it stings when I spray on the mosquito repellent. I guess that will be another cracker for the photos. Just 6 inches and it would have landed on my head and, probably, killed me, Imagine that, killed by a coconut whilst hanging out your washing. I'm soooo not in Scotland.
Oh, I got stung or bitten on the thumb by something at Aitutaki airport just before I boarded my flight to Rarotonga. My thumb isn't sore but it's pretty swollen. It's turning more and more purple by the hour. Sinead says she's going to stick a hot pin in it, but I think that's just to satisfy her sadistic tendencies. The thumb still seems to work, so I'm not that worried.
Next stop - Surf Highway, New Zealand. Bring it on.