We left a bright and sunny Auckland and touched down in a humid and wet Cairns. My tactic for getting my passport stamped on the page I wanted finally paid dividends and I felt really pleased with myself.
I felt even more pleased for myself when I was treated to the unexpected comedy of Sinead's bag being singled out by the Sniffer Dog. Shin doesn't like dogs ("I'm no animal lover Lis!" and her face was a picture when Sam the Sniffer Dog and his Nazi Handler decided they needed to check her bag. There was loud sighing, unmistakable body language and some 'what a complete waste of time. muppets!' head shaking. The Handler asked Shin if she'd been carrying any lavender seeds in her bag and I had to stifle my giggles. Sinead's eyebrows did a few Mexican waves before she (caustically) answered: "Lavender seeds? Eh, no - I don't think so." "What's this?" the Handler enquired. "That would be a chocolate bar. The sniffer dog found a chocolate bar Lis, fancy that!"
We got sent over to Customs for a bag search. I'd decided not to declare Snowball - the wooden turtle I purchased in Aitutaki for the purpose of adding to my menagerie of carved animals (I only have 3 - including Snowball - and I don't intend to get anymore lest I become one of those weird 'collector' people who have too many cats, plants, Royal Doulton dolls or heads in their freezer). Anyway, it's just a wooden turtle souvenir and I couldn't really be bothered with the hassle so I just ticked 'No' on the form.
The Customs Officer opened up my bag and pulled Snowball out. Sinead shook her head and distanced herself from me. Holding Snowball by his head right in front of my face, the Customs Officer said "You need to declare this." "Oh? Oh! Oh, I totally forgot about that." I started smiling enthusiastically and made my eyes go even bigger. "I'm really sorry. I totally forgot." I put my hands to my face in a fiddle-de-dee gesture. The Customs Officer fetches a Government leaflet and goes through it with me. "Right. I see. I can completely understand. Really? Of course. Absolutely. I'm terribly sorry. Have a nice day." "You too dear. Enjoy your holiday!" Sinead is still shaking her head. "You're a bloody nutcase, Lis. I saw you feigning great interest in her leaflet. Getting into Australia might be a bit more difficult for you next time. Ha ha ha."
We checked into the Bohemia Resort. Nice. Another decent shower and a hairdryer. Although the beds are on wheels and the room has a tiled floor so every time I sit down I roll about 3 feet. It's absolutely pouring outside so we're in no hurry to get changed and go out. I'm setting up my beauty counter in the bathroom when Shin calls me out frantically. I figured there was a spider or a crocodile in the room, but it turns out to be something even more unbelievable.
"It's Oprah, Lis. Bloody Oprah." I don't believe it. She's only been talking about Oprah since we left. We get settled down to watch. It gets better. That Gayle woman is on the show and I can totally see why the rumours exist. They're reclining on chairbeds in front of the studio audience and talking about their experience at the Spa. At the ad break we find out the show is called 'Oprah and Gayle's Spa Adventure', Sinead is laughing so hard those little tears are running down her cheeks again.
Oprah and Gayle are exercising to gay anthems with a group of 'lucky viewers' they are celebrating as 'America's Women Warriors of 2008'. "Oh my God Shin. This couldn't be more gay if the Village People were working out with them." Shin laughs, "They just about are. Look Oprah's all dressed up as an army chief and Gayle's got her sweat bands on." "This is hilarious. I can't believe this is on."
Just then we turned and looked at each other reclining on our own beds. I was lying in my pants and Shin was wrapped in a towel toga style - and we both had our specs on. We burst out laughing and through the giggling Shin managed to say: "Check us, Lis. We're more gay than them. Look at us! With our specs on like a couple of literary lesbos. Ha ha ha - this is too funny. I was laughing so hard I started to choke.
We went out in the pouring rain and booked onto a Great Barrier Reef snorkeling and scuba trip for Sunday then went back to the Resort to cook up dinner on one of the self service BBQs. Shin beat me at pool - twice. It turns out, I'm only good at it when my Dad points to exactly the part of the ball I should hit.
Whilst booking the Great Barrier Reef tour, I - magpie-like - caught sight of a leaflet showing someone cuddling a Koala. "I'm going to do that tomorrow," I told Shin. Sinead said she wouldn't be cuddling any disease-ridden Koalas but she'd come with me for the trip. At 0930 the next morning, we caught the Kuaranda Scenic Railway up to the Tablelands rainforest. It was a really enjoyable trip with some good stuff to see along the way. Our favourite spot of the day was a 70-year old woman who looked a lot like me. "Lis, that'll be you in 45 years! Quick stand close to her and I'll get a picture." I did and we laughed all the way to the Koala cuddling.
The Koala was so cute and the pics are great. I thought briefly about trying to smuggle it out of Australia but decided that it might be difficult to get a plentiful supply of Eucalyptus in the UK. I think I'll just look for one on EBAY instead.
Friday, January 25, 2008
Thursday, January 24, 2008
Auckland taco trauma
We said farewell to cool Queenstown and flew into Auckland for a day and a half.
Sinead had booked us into Base which turned out to be ace backpacker accommodation - shiny clean, good linen, tv, hairdryer and our own private wet room. The only downside was that Sinead got to strecth out in the double bed and I was still stuck in a top bunk. Fairness was restored, however, when Shin kept banging her head off the metal frame above her bed.
We figured there's not much to see in Auckland, so we quickly decided to make this 'down-time'. We opened the balcony doors to let the air and sunshine in, then spent sometime lying on our beds in our pants watching TV. "You know what would really make this briliant Lis?" "No, what?" "If Oprah was on." Sinead started flicking through the TV channels.
Shin is obsessed with Oprah and has been talking about her ever since we arrived in Vegas. "Argh! All American TV shows is dramatic news or the bloody weather Lis. Where's Oprah?" We passed a newsagents and Shin spotted the National Enquirer announcing that Oprah and Steadman had split up. "Ha, ha. That's cause Oprah wants to go out with Gayle." I'm sorry to say I'm not up on my Oprah-knowledge so I had no idea who Gayle was. "Oh yeah, it's been a big rumour for years and Oprah even denounced it on her show." I suggested Sinead put a bet on Oprah and Gayle going public in 2008 when she gets back home, but she said she'd get poor odds it's so obvious.
When we were on our trashy celebrity tour in Hollywood and the driver pointed out Dr Phil's house. Sinead announced loudly "I think he's having an affair with Oprah." I told her to keep her voice down as saying anything against Oprah is considered blasphemy in the US. Anyway, there was no Oprah in Auckland and we were getting hungry so we got ready and went out.
Kiwis love their pies, and they have some strange combinations like steak and cheese, and mince and cheese. Back in New Plymouth with Jenny and Ben, we'd voiced our reluctance at sampling such a 'delicacy', but by now we felt we had to see what all the fuss was about. We agreed that we would head off in search of a quality pie. I consulted the Lonely Planet and found out Ponsonby Pies on Ponsonby Road was supposed to be good.
Auckland isn't all that compact and we discovered that Ponsoby is actually a separate area some distance from the City Centre. Then we discovered that Ponsonby Road is one of the longest roads ever. We walked up and down it twice before Shin popped her head into Sugar Brown's Bakery to ask where the Pie shop was. The girl said she'd been there before but couldn't exactly remember where it was. She told us it was on the opposite side of the road and back in the direction we'd come from. We still couldn't find it. "I should just write things down" I said. Sinead didn't answer. A short while later, she announced she was getting delirious and had to have something to eat NOW! So we stopped at this place called The Chapel. The waitress told us that the Fish of the Day was a 'Bluenose' and Shin looked at me with a raised eyebrow and said: "Well, we'll no be having that in the chapel." Ha ha ha ha.
Our sugar levels restored on some tapas items, we headed back into the city centre and down to the waterfront. We got ice creams and sat on a bench watching the commuter ferries departing.
We started the next day with tea and toast at Base. We discussed Margaret Thatcher and whether or not she'd get a state funeral. "Oh she bloody will as well," said Shin, "but I bet there'll be loads of protests. It'll be great." "Do you remember when she got totally quizzed by an audience member about the sinking of the Belgrano?" "Yeah, she was struggling to comprehend the fact that someone was challenging 'the Prime Minister." "Brilliant." "Let's You Tube it later."
We looked round the shops but they were in short supply, so we went to the cinema and booked tickets for a film that evening. Then we headed down to the waterfront and got some tacos for lunch. I asked for one with steak and one with chicken, but the guy made one with steak and one with steak and chicken. Hawkeye Shin had clocked this and said we ordered one with steak and one with chicken. The guy tried to say this is what we had, but it wasn't. The guy then admitted he'd made a mistake and put some steak in the chicken one and could we not just take it. The crazy fool was all gesturing and making pleading faces and thumbs up signs to Sinead. My heart sank and I started to walk away because I knew this was a mortal error. Sinead looked right at him then started speaking loudly, clearly and slowly. "One with steak. One with chicken. It's really not that difficult. I'm not eating that and I'd like you to make what was ordered in the first place. It's simple." The guy did as he was told. Who wouldn't?
Given the trauma of ordering the things, they were actually really tasty and we sat in the sun and washed them down with a couple of cold beers. Bliss. We continued on to the Market Square area and discovered an open-air Irish pub showing the tennis. We got 2 jugs of Pimms and watched Sharapova and Jankovic. "I'm lovin this Lis. This is great." We stayed there until the sun started to fade then we walked back to get ready for a night at the flicks. "Let's tackle the bags in the morning," I said eyeing mine ominously. "Agreed."
Sinead had booked us into Base which turned out to be ace backpacker accommodation - shiny clean, good linen, tv, hairdryer and our own private wet room. The only downside was that Sinead got to strecth out in the double bed and I was still stuck in a top bunk. Fairness was restored, however, when Shin kept banging her head off the metal frame above her bed.
We figured there's not much to see in Auckland, so we quickly decided to make this 'down-time'. We opened the balcony doors to let the air and sunshine in, then spent sometime lying on our beds in our pants watching TV. "You know what would really make this briliant Lis?" "No, what?" "If Oprah was on." Sinead started flicking through the TV channels.
Shin is obsessed with Oprah and has been talking about her ever since we arrived in Vegas. "Argh! All American TV shows is dramatic news or the bloody weather Lis. Where's Oprah?" We passed a newsagents and Shin spotted the National Enquirer announcing that Oprah and Steadman had split up. "Ha, ha. That's cause Oprah wants to go out with Gayle." I'm sorry to say I'm not up on my Oprah-knowledge so I had no idea who Gayle was. "Oh yeah, it's been a big rumour for years and Oprah even denounced it on her show." I suggested Sinead put a bet on Oprah and Gayle going public in 2008 when she gets back home, but she said she'd get poor odds it's so obvious.
When we were on our trashy celebrity tour in Hollywood and the driver pointed out Dr Phil's house. Sinead announced loudly "I think he's having an affair with Oprah." I told her to keep her voice down as saying anything against Oprah is considered blasphemy in the US. Anyway, there was no Oprah in Auckland and we were getting hungry so we got ready and went out.
Kiwis love their pies, and they have some strange combinations like steak and cheese, and mince and cheese. Back in New Plymouth with Jenny and Ben, we'd voiced our reluctance at sampling such a 'delicacy', but by now we felt we had to see what all the fuss was about. We agreed that we would head off in search of a quality pie. I consulted the Lonely Planet and found out Ponsonby Pies on Ponsonby Road was supposed to be good.
Auckland isn't all that compact and we discovered that Ponsoby is actually a separate area some distance from the City Centre. Then we discovered that Ponsonby Road is one of the longest roads ever. We walked up and down it twice before Shin popped her head into Sugar Brown's Bakery to ask where the Pie shop was. The girl said she'd been there before but couldn't exactly remember where it was. She told us it was on the opposite side of the road and back in the direction we'd come from. We still couldn't find it. "I should just write things down" I said. Sinead didn't answer. A short while later, she announced she was getting delirious and had to have something to eat NOW! So we stopped at this place called The Chapel. The waitress told us that the Fish of the Day was a 'Bluenose' and Shin looked at me with a raised eyebrow and said: "Well, we'll no be having that in the chapel." Ha ha ha ha.
Our sugar levels restored on some tapas items, we headed back into the city centre and down to the waterfront. We got ice creams and sat on a bench watching the commuter ferries departing.
We started the next day with tea and toast at Base. We discussed Margaret Thatcher and whether or not she'd get a state funeral. "Oh she bloody will as well," said Shin, "but I bet there'll be loads of protests. It'll be great." "Do you remember when she got totally quizzed by an audience member about the sinking of the Belgrano?" "Yeah, she was struggling to comprehend the fact that someone was challenging 'the Prime Minister." "Brilliant." "Let's You Tube it later."
We looked round the shops but they were in short supply, so we went to the cinema and booked tickets for a film that evening. Then we headed down to the waterfront and got some tacos for lunch. I asked for one with steak and one with chicken, but the guy made one with steak and one with steak and chicken. Hawkeye Shin had clocked this and said we ordered one with steak and one with chicken. The guy tried to say this is what we had, but it wasn't. The guy then admitted he'd made a mistake and put some steak in the chicken one and could we not just take it. The crazy fool was all gesturing and making pleading faces and thumbs up signs to Sinead. My heart sank and I started to walk away because I knew this was a mortal error. Sinead looked right at him then started speaking loudly, clearly and slowly. "One with steak. One with chicken. It's really not that difficult. I'm not eating that and I'd like you to make what was ordered in the first place. It's simple." The guy did as he was told. Who wouldn't?
Given the trauma of ordering the things, they were actually really tasty and we sat in the sun and washed them down with a couple of cold beers. Bliss. We continued on to the Market Square area and discovered an open-air Irish pub showing the tennis. We got 2 jugs of Pimms and watched Sharapova and Jankovic. "I'm lovin this Lis. This is great." We stayed there until the sun started to fade then we walked back to get ready for a night at the flicks. "Let's tackle the bags in the morning," I said eyeing mine ominously. "Agreed."
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Water & wine
Queenstown is an adrenalin junkie's paradise, so I feel like I do have to try stuff that's a bit out of the norm.
My first activity was the paragliding. I'll admit I felt a little bit nauseous as we were making our way to the Skyline Gondola. Walking past Harry's Bar at 10am, I couldn't help but hear they were blasting out 'Knocking on Heaven's Door'. "I hope that's not a warning," I said to Shin.
At the top of the mountain, I meet Brady - my pilot. We trek even further up the mountain and arrive at the open top. It looks really, really high. Brady gets me suited up, sticks a crash helmet on me, then begins sorting out the parachute. He explains that when he tells me to, he wants me to start walking, then running. Apparently, I've to keep running until there's no ground under my feet.
"So, basically, Brady, you want me to just run off the side of this mountain?"
"That's it Lis. Easy as that."
"So, eh, just ... em... off... the eh...the em... mountain?" I'm gesturing and giving plenty of assertive head nods but I'm totally nervous.
Shin is bouncing about like a happy hobbit. "Ha ha, you look like a nut case in that gear Lis." "Shut it, so do you." Shin spots Glenda, a 75 year old going for it too. "Oh she's so cute," Shin exclaims, "Look at her wee shoes."
Glenda goes first. Gav and Brady basically throw Glenda and her pilot off the mountain. But it's all going well and I can hear Glenda making positive sounds up in the air.
"OK Lis, because you're 50 years younger, you don't get any help," says Brady.
"So I'm ...em ...with the ... the em ... running thing... right?"
"OK Lis, you're a legend babe. Start walking."
I do and I feel the pull of the chute behind me. I keep going.
"Run baby run!" Brady shouts excitedly.
I do. I keep running. I run right off the mountain. I keep running til Brady points out I'm running on fresh air and I can sit back and enjoy the ride. How cool is this. It's amazing. I feel fantastic. So smooth. The whole town opens up beneath me. Like way, way beneath me. I start speaking like Brady.
"This is awesome." I shout
"Dude." He says in agreement.
The next day is river surfing. At 9am we drive to the start of the route. Another day, another chance for me to put on a wetsuit and risk some more bruises. Shin, wisely, has decided to give it a miss and is snoozing in her bed as I jump 25 ft off some rocks into the freezing cold river. Bjorn and Thomas - the guides are pretty hands off and basically let us get on with it.
My experience with activities is that they are never as scary or full on as they seem. I take all that back now. Grade 4 rapids - totally terrifying! I get sucked down into whirlpools and crash over some surprisingly big waves. It's exhilarating stuff - especially when I manage to surf along one of the waves.
Annoyingly, a Spanish woman surfs over the top of me and traps me under water. I can't surface. I get sucked down further. In desperation, I let go of my board, turn into the Hulk and propel myself out of the water. I don't know if I roared out loud, but I definitely did on the inside. The Spanish woman says "Sorry" and, despite the fact that she just nearly killed me, I smile back and say "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
The river goes quiet again and I float for a bit. It's the same place they filmed Lord of the Rings where Frodo sails past the pillars of the Kings. Cool as anything.
Bjorn and Thomas take us out of the river to show us the next stage of our journey. "This is the Chinese Dogleg." I look down and see about a mile of furious rapids crashing over rocks and forming big waves and little whirlpools. They've got to be kidding. But apparently they're not. "OK guys - upstream and out, downstream onto the first wave, barrel-roll the second, duck-dive the third then stay left as the river splits and we don't want to lose anyone."
3 waves? I can see about 20. I'm so not going to get this right. We head out and my heart is pumping full on as I face down the first set of waves. Miraculously, I manage it. Bjorn decides I'm fine and goes off to the aid of one of the others. I'm kicking left like he told me. Kicking left, left, left.
Suddenly Thomas is roaring at me to go right. Apparently I've gone too far left. I turn and kick and kick but the river is far too strong and it's just carrying me where it wants.
"Right, right, right," Thomas is still roaring. "You're going to hit the rocks."
I can see I'm going to hit the rocks. They're right in front of me and I can't move.
"You'll hit the rocks Lisa."
"I know," I shout back at him.
"Are you kicking?"
No Thomas, I'm just lying here like it's a lilo not bothering about the impending doom I see before me ... "of course, I'm fu*king kicking!"
As I start to go over the first of the rocks his face crumples into a look that says 'I'm not sure I'll be able to recover all the parts of your body.' It all happens really quickly and the only thing I'm aware of is some kind of tearing on my right hand which is under the board.
I get through it and Thomas looks both amazed and relieved. He grabs me and pulls me into the middle of the river. We're not in the middle of some grade 3 rapids which feels like a holiday compared to the Chinese Dogleg. I make it to the end of the course before everyone else - so I guess my shortcut over the rocks helped. My fingers are missing quite a lot of skin and bleeding quite a lot, but I feel great.
Telling Shin about it later, she asks with a chuckle: "So, would you say you enjoyed it?"
"I know it sounds utterly perverse given what I've just told you, but yeah, I really did!" What a weirdo!
In the evening I realise that all my muscles are aching and my right ankle is really sore. I explain to Shin that I broke my left ankle when I fell off a hill in Skye and my right one now does all the work (though it's still carrying that injury from the coconut). It was clearly exhausted by the kicking in the flippers. After some harassment, Shin agrees to rotate it for me and make it crack. She has to put on her music so she won't hear it, but when it does crack she feels it and screams then refuses to do it again. "You need Jo, Lis. She'd love doing that. She'd peel all your skin off too!"
Today was the turn of the wine tour. I wake up early and discover it's pouring down outside. Glad I've got the wine tour booked, getting merry on pinot noir sounds like an excellent way to spend a rainy day. "Oh, there will be plenty of old men with grey hair, beards and moobs so you'll enjoy that," Shin says as I'm leaving.
I get picked up by Wendy and meet my fellow quaffers Brett and Anne from Ontario. We're joined by 2 girls from Cork and Honeymooners Bill and Nicole from Chicago. We head to the Peregrine winery where we sample 2 rieslings (which are bone dry and all the better for it in my opinion), a pinot gris (which smells and tastes of pineapple) and 2 pinot noirs. Everyone seems nice, but quiet and subdued.
By the second winery, it's all change. Raucous! We get to try a sweet riesling, an oaked Chardonnay and an unoaked one and 2 more pinot noir. We sit down for lunch (breads, salami, chorizo, houmous, sun-dried tomato pesto, cherry chutney - delicious). I have a glass of the 2004 reserve pinot noir and Anne and I find we like the same kind of wines. "Bigger the better," I say. "In fact, I like them so big you need a note from your mum to drink them." Anne thinks this is hilarious and writes it down. "I'm going to use that," She tells Brett. I tell her I'm available on a retainer basis.
I'm feeling all warm and bendy so have gone into 'holding court' mode and am telling stories and laughing at my own jokes. I'm glad Sinead isn't here - she'd be mortified and probably slap me.
At the Rockburn winery, we're treated to an impromptu tour of the production site by Malcolm the winemaker. He's really down to earth and is able to answer my question about compensating for the air in screw caps versus corks. Cool. Their 2006 Pinot Noir is a knock-out, but unfortunately they don't yet have a distributor in the UK.
Finally, we stop at the Farm and try their bubbles and 4 other wines of our choosing. I opt for the 2004 & 2005 Pinot Gris and the Viper & the Tiger pinot noirs - though to be honest I'm finding it more and more difficult to discern the differences! Hee hee hee.
I ask Wendy to stop off at a road-side fruit seller so I can buy some of their big juicy cherries. Amazing. You get about 200 in a bag and they only cost about 1.50 GBP. Last time I bought cherries M&S charged me seven quid!!
Did some shopping in Untouched World and resisted buying a cool pair of red shoes. About to join the Shinbob for a drink and a bit of the Australian Open.
My first activity was the paragliding. I'll admit I felt a little bit nauseous as we were making our way to the Skyline Gondola. Walking past Harry's Bar at 10am, I couldn't help but hear they were blasting out 'Knocking on Heaven's Door'. "I hope that's not a warning," I said to Shin.
At the top of the mountain, I meet Brady - my pilot. We trek even further up the mountain and arrive at the open top. It looks really, really high. Brady gets me suited up, sticks a crash helmet on me, then begins sorting out the parachute. He explains that when he tells me to, he wants me to start walking, then running. Apparently, I've to keep running until there's no ground under my feet.
"So, basically, Brady, you want me to just run off the side of this mountain?"
"That's it Lis. Easy as that."
"So, eh, just ... em... off... the eh...the em... mountain?" I'm gesturing and giving plenty of assertive head nods but I'm totally nervous.
Shin is bouncing about like a happy hobbit. "Ha ha, you look like a nut case in that gear Lis." "Shut it, so do you." Shin spots Glenda, a 75 year old going for it too. "Oh she's so cute," Shin exclaims, "Look at her wee shoes."
Glenda goes first. Gav and Brady basically throw Glenda and her pilot off the mountain. But it's all going well and I can hear Glenda making positive sounds up in the air.
"OK Lis, because you're 50 years younger, you don't get any help," says Brady.
"So I'm ...em ...with the ... the em ... running thing... right?"
"OK Lis, you're a legend babe. Start walking."
I do and I feel the pull of the chute behind me. I keep going.
"Run baby run!" Brady shouts excitedly.
I do. I keep running. I run right off the mountain. I keep running til Brady points out I'm running on fresh air and I can sit back and enjoy the ride. How cool is this. It's amazing. I feel fantastic. So smooth. The whole town opens up beneath me. Like way, way beneath me. I start speaking like Brady.
"This is awesome." I shout
"Dude." He says in agreement.
The next day is river surfing. At 9am we drive to the start of the route. Another day, another chance for me to put on a wetsuit and risk some more bruises. Shin, wisely, has decided to give it a miss and is snoozing in her bed as I jump 25 ft off some rocks into the freezing cold river. Bjorn and Thomas - the guides are pretty hands off and basically let us get on with it.
My experience with activities is that they are never as scary or full on as they seem. I take all that back now. Grade 4 rapids - totally terrifying! I get sucked down into whirlpools and crash over some surprisingly big waves. It's exhilarating stuff - especially when I manage to surf along one of the waves.
Annoyingly, a Spanish woman surfs over the top of me and traps me under water. I can't surface. I get sucked down further. In desperation, I let go of my board, turn into the Hulk and propel myself out of the water. I don't know if I roared out loud, but I definitely did on the inside. The Spanish woman says "Sorry" and, despite the fact that she just nearly killed me, I smile back and say "It's fine. Don't worry about it."
The river goes quiet again and I float for a bit. It's the same place they filmed Lord of the Rings where Frodo sails past the pillars of the Kings. Cool as anything.
Bjorn and Thomas take us out of the river to show us the next stage of our journey. "This is the Chinese Dogleg." I look down and see about a mile of furious rapids crashing over rocks and forming big waves and little whirlpools. They've got to be kidding. But apparently they're not. "OK guys - upstream and out, downstream onto the first wave, barrel-roll the second, duck-dive the third then stay left as the river splits and we don't want to lose anyone."
3 waves? I can see about 20. I'm so not going to get this right. We head out and my heart is pumping full on as I face down the first set of waves. Miraculously, I manage it. Bjorn decides I'm fine and goes off to the aid of one of the others. I'm kicking left like he told me. Kicking left, left, left.
Suddenly Thomas is roaring at me to go right. Apparently I've gone too far left. I turn and kick and kick but the river is far too strong and it's just carrying me where it wants.
"Right, right, right," Thomas is still roaring. "You're going to hit the rocks."
I can see I'm going to hit the rocks. They're right in front of me and I can't move.
"You'll hit the rocks Lisa."
"I know," I shout back at him.
"Are you kicking?"
No Thomas, I'm just lying here like it's a lilo not bothering about the impending doom I see before me ... "of course, I'm fu*king kicking!"
As I start to go over the first of the rocks his face crumples into a look that says 'I'm not sure I'll be able to recover all the parts of your body.' It all happens really quickly and the only thing I'm aware of is some kind of tearing on my right hand which is under the board.
I get through it and Thomas looks both amazed and relieved. He grabs me and pulls me into the middle of the river. We're not in the middle of some grade 3 rapids which feels like a holiday compared to the Chinese Dogleg. I make it to the end of the course before everyone else - so I guess my shortcut over the rocks helped. My fingers are missing quite a lot of skin and bleeding quite a lot, but I feel great.
Telling Shin about it later, she asks with a chuckle: "So, would you say you enjoyed it?"
"I know it sounds utterly perverse given what I've just told you, but yeah, I really did!" What a weirdo!
In the evening I realise that all my muscles are aching and my right ankle is really sore. I explain to Shin that I broke my left ankle when I fell off a hill in Skye and my right one now does all the work (though it's still carrying that injury from the coconut). It was clearly exhausted by the kicking in the flippers. After some harassment, Shin agrees to rotate it for me and make it crack. She has to put on her music so she won't hear it, but when it does crack she feels it and screams then refuses to do it again. "You need Jo, Lis. She'd love doing that. She'd peel all your skin off too!"
Today was the turn of the wine tour. I wake up early and discover it's pouring down outside. Glad I've got the wine tour booked, getting merry on pinot noir sounds like an excellent way to spend a rainy day. "Oh, there will be plenty of old men with grey hair, beards and moobs so you'll enjoy that," Shin says as I'm leaving.
I get picked up by Wendy and meet my fellow quaffers Brett and Anne from Ontario. We're joined by 2 girls from Cork and Honeymooners Bill and Nicole from Chicago. We head to the Peregrine winery where we sample 2 rieslings (which are bone dry and all the better for it in my opinion), a pinot gris (which smells and tastes of pineapple) and 2 pinot noirs. Everyone seems nice, but quiet and subdued.
By the second winery, it's all change. Raucous! We get to try a sweet riesling, an oaked Chardonnay and an unoaked one and 2 more pinot noir. We sit down for lunch (breads, salami, chorizo, houmous, sun-dried tomato pesto, cherry chutney - delicious). I have a glass of the 2004 reserve pinot noir and Anne and I find we like the same kind of wines. "Bigger the better," I say. "In fact, I like them so big you need a note from your mum to drink them." Anne thinks this is hilarious and writes it down. "I'm going to use that," She tells Brett. I tell her I'm available on a retainer basis.
I'm feeling all warm and bendy so have gone into 'holding court' mode and am telling stories and laughing at my own jokes. I'm glad Sinead isn't here - she'd be mortified and probably slap me.
At the Rockburn winery, we're treated to an impromptu tour of the production site by Malcolm the winemaker. He's really down to earth and is able to answer my question about compensating for the air in screw caps versus corks. Cool. Their 2006 Pinot Noir is a knock-out, but unfortunately they don't yet have a distributor in the UK.
Finally, we stop at the Farm and try their bubbles and 4 other wines of our choosing. I opt for the 2004 & 2005 Pinot Gris and the Viper & the Tiger pinot noirs - though to be honest I'm finding it more and more difficult to discern the differences! Hee hee hee.
I ask Wendy to stop off at a road-side fruit seller so I can buy some of their big juicy cherries. Amazing. You get about 200 in a bag and they only cost about 1.50 GBP. Last time I bought cherries M&S charged me seven quid!!
Did some shopping in Untouched World and resisted buying a cool pair of red shoes. About to join the Shinbob for a drink and a bit of the Australian Open.
Friday, January 18, 2008
Welly Town
Surviving my game of chicken with the trucks on the Thermal Explorer Highway, we got into Wellington on Wednesday night. We check into the downtown hostel and get the lift up to the 5th floor. In the lift with us are a 17 year old Kiwi boy and girl. The boy is the campest guy I've ever seen and he really does squeal when Shin tells him we're from Scotland. "We're from the South Island," he says, "we're just here for a night out and getting the ferry back to Christchurch tomorrow. You totally have to come out with us. It's student night and it $2 a drink. You gotta come out with us. It's like totally student night."
They get out on the third floor and I turn to Shin and say: "OK. So now I actually feel like I'm 103." She laughs and says: "I think we just met the 'only gay on the South Island." We get to the room and discover we have bunk beds. Shin tells me I've to take the top one. I climb up the steps precariously - feeling even more ancient - and crawl along the bed. It's totally shaking and wobbling. "Shin I think this is going to fall on you." Sinead tightens some of the screws and then says: "I like that we have bunk beds. It means I can talk to you without having to look at you." She's so sweet and lovely.
The accommodation is really central so we popped out for a wee walk and a few shandies. We begin the next day by hiring bikes and cycling along the promenade. We don't have a map or a guidebook and haven't discussed what we want to 'achieve' for the day, so I start getting twitchy. I can tell Sinead is about 3 seconds from knocking me off my bike and driving over me repeatedly, so I suggest we split up to do our own thing and meet back at 4pm to get the cable car to the botanic gardens.
I go shopping and buy myself another pair of Havianas and two pairs of big sunglasses (one in baby pink and one in red). I check out the beautifully restored Embassy Theatre where they had the Lord of the Rings premiere, browse in the book shops and have lunch at a Turkish restaurant whilst doing a spot of writing.
At 4pm, we meet and take the cable car to the top of the hill. I show Sinead my sunglasses and she laughs her head off at me. "It's an individual look, Lis." We're sitting on the tram and I'm holding an oversized bag with my new shoes in it. The straps on my vest tops have fallen down and I'm wearing tiny little shorts. Sinead looks at me and erupts: "You look like you're totally naked apart from those ridiculous Elton John specs. You're a total nutcase." "Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" "No, not all the time."
We're rewarded with stunning views of Wellington when we get to the top. We end up going to the Cable Car museum, which was actually really interesting. They had a replica of an old cable car so I got Shin to snap some pictures of me with my specs and oversized bag. "Lis, I can't believe you're making me do this. It's like porn - in a tram." We laughed at the photos all the way back down the hill.
Back on the waterfront, we had a couple of drinks at an outdoor bar and I headed along to Te Papa - the National Museum. It was excellent - really well-designed and loads to see. They even had an outdoor section that was like a prehistoric jungle with caves and areas where kids could dig up bones and stuff.
That night, we went out to an Italian restaurant that was supposed to be traditional and homely. Thus, we were quite amused to find chicken curry on the menu. We went back home after that and tried to get everything into our bags. It's getting harder and harder!
The next morning, we caught a flight to Queenstown via Christchurch and Shin got chatted up by a big Kiwi called Greg. He had huge hands and could lift our bags really easily.
They get out on the third floor and I turn to Shin and say: "OK. So now I actually feel like I'm 103." She laughs and says: "I think we just met the 'only gay on the South Island." We get to the room and discover we have bunk beds. Shin tells me I've to take the top one. I climb up the steps precariously - feeling even more ancient - and crawl along the bed. It's totally shaking and wobbling. "Shin I think this is going to fall on you." Sinead tightens some of the screws and then says: "I like that we have bunk beds. It means I can talk to you without having to look at you." She's so sweet and lovely.
The accommodation is really central so we popped out for a wee walk and a few shandies. We begin the next day by hiring bikes and cycling along the promenade. We don't have a map or a guidebook and haven't discussed what we want to 'achieve' for the day, so I start getting twitchy. I can tell Sinead is about 3 seconds from knocking me off my bike and driving over me repeatedly, so I suggest we split up to do our own thing and meet back at 4pm to get the cable car to the botanic gardens.
I go shopping and buy myself another pair of Havianas and two pairs of big sunglasses (one in baby pink and one in red). I check out the beautifully restored Embassy Theatre where they had the Lord of the Rings premiere, browse in the book shops and have lunch at a Turkish restaurant whilst doing a spot of writing.
At 4pm, we meet and take the cable car to the top of the hill. I show Sinead my sunglasses and she laughs her head off at me. "It's an individual look, Lis." We're sitting on the tram and I'm holding an oversized bag with my new shoes in it. The straps on my vest tops have fallen down and I'm wearing tiny little shorts. Sinead looks at me and erupts: "You look like you're totally naked apart from those ridiculous Elton John specs. You're a total nutcase." "Are you embarrassed to be seen with me?" "No, not all the time."
We're rewarded with stunning views of Wellington when we get to the top. We end up going to the Cable Car museum, which was actually really interesting. They had a replica of an old cable car so I got Shin to snap some pictures of me with my specs and oversized bag. "Lis, I can't believe you're making me do this. It's like porn - in a tram." We laughed at the photos all the way back down the hill.
Back on the waterfront, we had a couple of drinks at an outdoor bar and I headed along to Te Papa - the National Museum. It was excellent - really well-designed and loads to see. They even had an outdoor section that was like a prehistoric jungle with caves and areas where kids could dig up bones and stuff.
That night, we went out to an Italian restaurant that was supposed to be traditional and homely. Thus, we were quite amused to find chicken curry on the menu. We went back home after that and tried to get everything into our bags. It's getting harder and harder!
The next morning, we caught a flight to Queenstown via Christchurch and Shin got chatted up by a big Kiwi called Greg. He had huge hands and could lift our bags really easily.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
Bints in mud
We went for a mud bath on our last morning in Rotorua. Shin had said she was up for it on the first day: "We can roll around like pigs in mud," she said. I misheard her and thought she said: "bints in mud." So this became a point of hilarity for us while we were sitting in the mud bath letting the healing properties bake into our skin.
The guy supervising our experience took some pictures (with my camera, not for his own weird collection) then hosed us down (with freezing cold water from a garden hose). It was strangely pleasurable (I'm getting worried about myself - apparently that starts to happen when you get to my age.)
We were all rejuvenated and ready for our epic 6 hour drive to Wellington.
The road to Wellington is really long. It's called the Thermal Explorer Highway when you first leave Rotorua on account of the waterfalls, sulphur springs and other geothermal activity. Anyway, my solo trip to Waitomo had passed completely without incident so, naturally, the balance had to be restored. This is how it happened:
We were stuck behind a big lorry carrying lots of cows. He was going pretty slow, but every time I pulled out to check the road ahead there was a corner or a dip or a hill. This went on for 15 mins. Finally, I took a look - straight, flat road ahead and a truck way, way in the distance. I went for it - floored Mugabe and pulled out.
I soon realised a number of things: I wasn't really getting anywhere; the livestock transporter was a lot longer than it looked; it now seemed to be going faster; Mugabe wasn't getting any faster; oh and the truck coming towards me was getting much closer.
I decided I didn't much like this situation. I was about halfway along the livestock truck doing 120km/ph and staring down a massive grill plate from the truck speeding towards me. Surprisingly, given the increasing gravity of the situation, Sinead was still reclining in the passenger's seat. "Do you think I can make it?" I asked quite calmly. "I hope so," she answered in a resigned fashion.
I decide I can't make it. I also think I don't have time to slow down and pull back in behind the livestock truck. So I turn right instead and 'fly' off the road at speed, between two posts.
Mugabe drops about 3 feet and travels over a series of grassy dips - I've still got my foot to the floor. "Do you think I should stop for a bit?" "Aye, I think that would be a good idea."
After a moment or two, we get back on the road.
"Mugabe survives an assassination attempt," Shin announces in newsreader style. "By one of his own" I add. "An inside job. Corrupt official." We go quiet for a while and then Sinead bursts out laughing and says: "Bloody Henri Paul."
I apologise and promise the rest of the journey will pass without further incident. And, apart from a little sing-a-long with Sonny&Cher's 'I Got You Babe', it does indeed.
The guy supervising our experience took some pictures (with my camera, not for his own weird collection) then hosed us down (with freezing cold water from a garden hose). It was strangely pleasurable (I'm getting worried about myself - apparently that starts to happen when you get to my age.)
We were all rejuvenated and ready for our epic 6 hour drive to Wellington.
The road to Wellington is really long. It's called the Thermal Explorer Highway when you first leave Rotorua on account of the waterfalls, sulphur springs and other geothermal activity. Anyway, my solo trip to Waitomo had passed completely without incident so, naturally, the balance had to be restored. This is how it happened:
We were stuck behind a big lorry carrying lots of cows. He was going pretty slow, but every time I pulled out to check the road ahead there was a corner or a dip or a hill. This went on for 15 mins. Finally, I took a look - straight, flat road ahead and a truck way, way in the distance. I went for it - floored Mugabe and pulled out.
I soon realised a number of things: I wasn't really getting anywhere; the livestock transporter was a lot longer than it looked; it now seemed to be going faster; Mugabe wasn't getting any faster; oh and the truck coming towards me was getting much closer.
I decided I didn't much like this situation. I was about halfway along the livestock truck doing 120km/ph and staring down a massive grill plate from the truck speeding towards me. Surprisingly, given the increasing gravity of the situation, Sinead was still reclining in the passenger's seat. "Do you think I can make it?" I asked quite calmly. "I hope so," she answered in a resigned fashion.
I decide I can't make it. I also think I don't have time to slow down and pull back in behind the livestock truck. So I turn right instead and 'fly' off the road at speed, between two posts.
Mugabe drops about 3 feet and travels over a series of grassy dips - I've still got my foot to the floor. "Do you think I should stop for a bit?" "Aye, I think that would be a good idea."
After a moment or two, we get back on the road.
"Mugabe survives an assassination attempt," Shin announces in newsreader style. "By one of his own" I add. "An inside job. Corrupt official." We go quiet for a while and then Sinead bursts out laughing and says: "Bloody Henri Paul."
I apologise and promise the rest of the journey will pass without further incident. And, apart from a little sing-a-long with Sonny&Cher's 'I Got You Babe', it does indeed.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
Romance in the waitomo caves
I decide to drive 150 km to the Waitomo Caves to try the Black Abyss. It's a five-hour adventure with abseiling, tubing, caving, glow worms and something called the flying fox. It sounds ace so I figure it's worth the 4 hour round trip.
Shin doesn't fancy it so I take Mugabe on my own. I get up at 6am to discover he's been blocked in by two cars and I have to pull some tight moves and drive along the pavement for a bit before I can get onto the road.
We're on our way. Only 150 KM to go. It's like driving through the set of Postman Pat - hills, bends, sheep and no other vehicles. I get to the place at 0830 and sign myself up. Get the wetsuit, cave boots, helmet and harness and am driven out to 'The Drop'. As the guy starts going on about the dangers I wonder why on earth I'm doing this. He straps me in, tells me sit down in my harness and just go for it. So I do.
It gets really narrow at first and I have to wriggle myself through, then it opens up and I zip down the 130 ft drop. Brilliant. When I get to the bottom, I sit down on a rock and stare up at the glow worms, then I turn my light on, move and realise I've parked my ass on a fossilised shell. There are loads of them, making all kinds of cool patterns in the rocks.
I get strapped onto some other wire and the guide switches my light off and lets me go. I go flying through the pitch dark at speed and end up right beside an underground river. The Glow worms cover the entire ceiling and it looks spectacular. Next we grab the tubes (rubber rings) and have to jump off the 20ft ledge into the river - oh, and somehow manages to land in the tube. Can't see how that's going to work, but I go for it anyway. I jump, hit the water, go straight under, then I surface and realise that it's totally freezing! But I am actually sitting in my tube - well done that woman!
Floating downstream, the guide tells us all about the glow worms. Basically, they are maggots and their beautiful green glow is caused by the action of excreting waste. So, much like everything else in life, a lot less romantic than it first seems. Still, they look really cool.
I spent the next two hours crawling over and between rocks, and under and up waterfalls - mostly in complete and utter darkness. I acquire a few more bruises, skint knuckles and raw palms. I realise this will only add to my comedy of errors tan, but I'm a woman of contrasts and extremes so it's probably fitting.
It was a totally brilliant experience and I loved every minute of it. Afterwards, a French lesbian tried to get me to give her a lift, but it was out of my way and i had a two hour drive back. Relief!
That evening, Shin and I went back to the Polynesian Spa for a dip. This time we went to the Adult & Priest Spa (Yeah, I've no idea about that Priest bit either). It was still full of noisy Japanese women, but it was nice looking at the moon whilst soaking your bones in the 40 degree water. Shin freaked out again in the changing rooms cause women were getting naked. I got naked too (I think it's quite natural to do that when you have a shower) but luckily Sinead had made a sharp exit otherwise she'd probably have refused to talk to me for the rest of the trip!
Shin doesn't fancy it so I take Mugabe on my own. I get up at 6am to discover he's been blocked in by two cars and I have to pull some tight moves and drive along the pavement for a bit before I can get onto the road.
We're on our way. Only 150 KM to go. It's like driving through the set of Postman Pat - hills, bends, sheep and no other vehicles. I get to the place at 0830 and sign myself up. Get the wetsuit, cave boots, helmet and harness and am driven out to 'The Drop'. As the guy starts going on about the dangers I wonder why on earth I'm doing this. He straps me in, tells me sit down in my harness and just go for it. So I do.
It gets really narrow at first and I have to wriggle myself through, then it opens up and I zip down the 130 ft drop. Brilliant. When I get to the bottom, I sit down on a rock and stare up at the glow worms, then I turn my light on, move and realise I've parked my ass on a fossilised shell. There are loads of them, making all kinds of cool patterns in the rocks.
I get strapped onto some other wire and the guide switches my light off and lets me go. I go flying through the pitch dark at speed and end up right beside an underground river. The Glow worms cover the entire ceiling and it looks spectacular. Next we grab the tubes (rubber rings) and have to jump off the 20ft ledge into the river - oh, and somehow manages to land in the tube. Can't see how that's going to work, but I go for it anyway. I jump, hit the water, go straight under, then I surface and realise that it's totally freezing! But I am actually sitting in my tube - well done that woman!
Floating downstream, the guide tells us all about the glow worms. Basically, they are maggots and their beautiful green glow is caused by the action of excreting waste. So, much like everything else in life, a lot less romantic than it first seems. Still, they look really cool.
I spent the next two hours crawling over and between rocks, and under and up waterfalls - mostly in complete and utter darkness. I acquire a few more bruises, skint knuckles and raw palms. I realise this will only add to my comedy of errors tan, but I'm a woman of contrasts and extremes so it's probably fitting.
It was a totally brilliant experience and I loved every minute of it. Afterwards, a French lesbian tried to get me to give her a lift, but it was out of my way and i had a two hour drive back. Relief!
That evening, Shin and I went back to the Polynesian Spa for a dip. This time we went to the Adult & Priest Spa (Yeah, I've no idea about that Priest bit either). It was still full of noisy Japanese women, but it was nice looking at the moon whilst soaking your bones in the 40 degree water. Shin freaked out again in the changing rooms cause women were getting naked. I got naked too (I think it's quite natural to do that when you have a shower) but luckily Sinead had made a sharp exit otherwise she'd probably have refused to talk to me for the rest of the trip!
Monday, January 14, 2008
The hot springs and Sinead's rant
So we set off from Jenny & Ben's and head for Rotorua - a four hour drive north east. El Presidente/Mugabe is on good form though we find it impossible to pick up a radio station. Every once in a while we burst into "The road is long ... with many a winding turn" and then hum for a bit cause neither of us knows the rest of the words.
We pull out of a junction and the next thing we hear is a thunderous horn. "What the hell?" I look in my mirror and see nothing but the silver grill plate of a massive truck. "Keep yer knickers on rubber ducky" Sinead shouts. The truck proceeds to chase us down until we get to a hill, where it obviously struggles."Ha ha sucker. You're no match for El Presidente," Sinead sings out. She puts the foot down and we blast on over the hill.
We arrive in Rotorua and check into the 'Budget Backpackers' - the clue is in the name people - (Sinead arranged the second half of the trip and is loving my reaction). "C'mon Lis, it'll be an experience" she laughs, "just embrace it."
I don't think this place is ready for the Louis Vuitton luggage, though - annoyingly - Sinead has been referring to it as the 'Louis Walsh' ever since we left which has taken a lot of the glamour out of it. I'll never look at the bag the same way again.
The guy on reception takes us to our room. It's like a nun's bedroom. Shin sits down on her bed and practically sinks to the floor. Then bursts out laughing. "Embrace the softest beds in the world Lis."
We head along the corridor and out the back door to get the bags from Mugabe. As we pass the last room on the left we catch sight of something neither of us is prepared for and causes us to look at each other and say "Did you just see that?'
It was an old fat naked guy sitting in his pants watching TV with his door open. I'm loving this place more and more.
We quickly pack our swim stuff into our bags and head along the road to sample the hot springs at the Polynesian Spa. This is more like it. We get changed. Shin is in one of the cubicles and an old Japanese woman knocks on her door. Shin pops her head out, looks surprised, then proceeds to stare the old woman down until she walks away.
We walk outside to the thermal pools and get in the first one - 36 degrees. "Lis, did you see all those Japanese women washing each other in the showers?" "No." "Aye, they were all totally washing each other and one woman was bent over and another was totally scrubbing her back like this," Sinead demonstrates vigorous scrubbing action with her two fists. "There can't be any need for that. I mean, she's only been sitting in the Spa not oot pickin rice. And there was another woman, did you see her, totally in the buff and staring at me like I was the freak. I just thought, check you hen, you're the one with your tits oot. I'm not into this Lis, I dinae need to be seeing anyone's muff or their swinging pups. Put them away. There's just no need."
Sinead calms down a bit and we enjoy the springs and the cool breeze. An older woman (60s) woman with a crocodile Dundee hat and a pair of safety goggles from the science classroom is in the spa with her husband/partner. She starts chewing on his ear and Sinead says loudly "Oh my God. Check crocodile Dundee. she's sucking his ears. We're in the bloody love spa. There's just no need." The couple leaves shortly afterward.
Across from us is a woman recovering from a nose job - or a mugging. She's all bandaged up with black eyes and is reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Sinead leans over and says "I think she needs to read a few more chapters."
The Japanese pensioners all come running out enmasse and get into the pool with their sun visors. We take this as our cue to head into the 38 degree pool. There are a few Scandinavians in here and Shin keeps telling me they all want to talk to me cause they think I'm one of their own. A Japanese woman comes in and practically sits on Shin's knee. I spot the signature eye roll followed by the disbelieving head shake. Then, a Japanese man in tight shorts with nothing to show for it, tries to sit on my knee so we get out and jump into the 40 degree pool.
We hang out here for a while but decide we need to take a breather before getting into the hottest pool - 42 degrees. After about 10 mins sitting on the sidelines and a couple of glasses of water, we get in. It feels really hot and my pink legs aren't thanking me for it. We persevere though and my back rejoices when I submerge myself.
Soon afterwards, two elderly Scandinavian women join us. They are finding it a bit too hot. Then the husband of one of the women appears and tells his wife she's got to get in because he wants to take a picture of her. She says it's too hot but he persists so she edges in ever more deeply. "Your position is no good for the sun," he declares and makes her get in further. Then he tells to get lower. "Down, down, lower, left a bit. Finally, he gets his shot and his wife is free to go running from the pool.
"Well, he obviously gets her to do everything he wants," Shin says loudly and with more than a hint of disgust. I agree. "If I were her, I would just give him those same instructions back tonight." Shin shakes her head at me disappointingly.
We finish off our replenishing experience with some fresh fruit juices before heading back to the backpackers. The old fat naked guy is still sitting in his pants watching TV. Shin looks in as she passes :"He's wearing a baseball cap and has long brown hair," she reports.
We lock ourselves in our tiny spartan room and start laughing hysterically. "I feel like we're in prison, Lis."
"I'm embracing it Shin, I'm embracing it."
We pull out of a junction and the next thing we hear is a thunderous horn. "What the hell?" I look in my mirror and see nothing but the silver grill plate of a massive truck. "Keep yer knickers on rubber ducky" Sinead shouts. The truck proceeds to chase us down until we get to a hill, where it obviously struggles."Ha ha sucker. You're no match for El Presidente," Sinead sings out. She puts the foot down and we blast on over the hill.
We arrive in Rotorua and check into the 'Budget Backpackers' - the clue is in the name people - (Sinead arranged the second half of the trip and is loving my reaction). "C'mon Lis, it'll be an experience" she laughs, "just embrace it."
I don't think this place is ready for the Louis Vuitton luggage, though - annoyingly - Sinead has been referring to it as the 'Louis Walsh' ever since we left which has taken a lot of the glamour out of it. I'll never look at the bag the same way again.
The guy on reception takes us to our room. It's like a nun's bedroom. Shin sits down on her bed and practically sinks to the floor. Then bursts out laughing. "Embrace the softest beds in the world Lis."
We head along the corridor and out the back door to get the bags from Mugabe. As we pass the last room on the left we catch sight of something neither of us is prepared for and causes us to look at each other and say "Did you just see that?'
It was an old fat naked guy sitting in his pants watching TV with his door open. I'm loving this place more and more.
We quickly pack our swim stuff into our bags and head along the road to sample the hot springs at the Polynesian Spa. This is more like it. We get changed. Shin is in one of the cubicles and an old Japanese woman knocks on her door. Shin pops her head out, looks surprised, then proceeds to stare the old woman down until she walks away.
We walk outside to the thermal pools and get in the first one - 36 degrees. "Lis, did you see all those Japanese women washing each other in the showers?" "No." "Aye, they were all totally washing each other and one woman was bent over and another was totally scrubbing her back like this," Sinead demonstrates vigorous scrubbing action with her two fists. "There can't be any need for that. I mean, she's only been sitting in the Spa not oot pickin rice. And there was another woman, did you see her, totally in the buff and staring at me like I was the freak. I just thought, check you hen, you're the one with your tits oot. I'm not into this Lis, I dinae need to be seeing anyone's muff or their swinging pups. Put them away. There's just no need."
Sinead calms down a bit and we enjoy the springs and the cool breeze. An older woman (60s) woman with a crocodile Dundee hat and a pair of safety goggles from the science classroom is in the spa with her husband/partner. She starts chewing on his ear and Sinead says loudly "Oh my God. Check crocodile Dundee. she's sucking his ears. We're in the bloody love spa. There's just no need." The couple leaves shortly afterward.
Across from us is a woman recovering from a nose job - or a mugging. She's all bandaged up with black eyes and is reading the 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Sinead leans over and says "I think she needs to read a few more chapters."
The Japanese pensioners all come running out enmasse and get into the pool with their sun visors. We take this as our cue to head into the 38 degree pool. There are a few Scandinavians in here and Shin keeps telling me they all want to talk to me cause they think I'm one of their own. A Japanese woman comes in and practically sits on Shin's knee. I spot the signature eye roll followed by the disbelieving head shake. Then, a Japanese man in tight shorts with nothing to show for it, tries to sit on my knee so we get out and jump into the 40 degree pool.
We hang out here for a while but decide we need to take a breather before getting into the hottest pool - 42 degrees. After about 10 mins sitting on the sidelines and a couple of glasses of water, we get in. It feels really hot and my pink legs aren't thanking me for it. We persevere though and my back rejoices when I submerge myself.
Soon afterwards, two elderly Scandinavian women join us. They are finding it a bit too hot. Then the husband of one of the women appears and tells his wife she's got to get in because he wants to take a picture of her. She says it's too hot but he persists so she edges in ever more deeply. "Your position is no good for the sun," he declares and makes her get in further. Then he tells to get lower. "Down, down, lower, left a bit. Finally, he gets his shot and his wife is free to go running from the pool.
"Well, he obviously gets her to do everything he wants," Shin says loudly and with more than a hint of disgust. I agree. "If I were her, I would just give him those same instructions back tonight." Shin shakes her head at me disappointingly.
We finish off our replenishing experience with some fresh fruit juices before heading back to the backpackers. The old fat naked guy is still sitting in his pants watching TV. Shin looks in as she passes :"He's wearing a baseball cap and has long brown hair," she reports.
We lock ourselves in our tiny spartan room and start laughing hysterically. "I feel like we're in prison, Lis."
"I'm embracing it Shin, I'm embracing it."
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