Great Barrier Grief

Another glorious day in Cairns and we set off on our Great Barrier Reef Cruise. The boat was reputedly the fastest to the reef, which I was pleased about given my terrible habit of throwing up when I'm on one. Another bonus was the fact that it catered for snorkeling and scuba diving which meant Shin and I didn't have to book separate cruises to get what we wanted.

I sensibly took some of the anti-sea sickness tablets that were on offer and they seemed to serve me well. We got out to the reef and Sinead suited up in her anti-jellyfish outfit and headed out for a spot of snorkeling. I got tanked up for some scuba and set off. The Scuba guy had been running through a list of things we might see in the water - "turtles, clown fish, wasse and lots of Japanese" - surprise, surprise.

Annoyingly, the Scuba guys insisted on linking arms with everyone in the group. There were only five of us, but it still freaked me out. The old Japanese guy on my right kept doing breast-stroke arms and was getting dangerously close to my regulator. Then he'd let go of my arm to take some pictures and flap about frantically trying to get hold of my again. I was deliberately making my arm as inaccessible as possible and it turned into some kind of underwater Benny Hill sketch as he tried to catch up to me and link arms again.

Back on the boat we had a barbecue lunch and set off for our second reef spot. I decided to do a second dive for the bargain basement price of 17 quid. Knowing that I always feel less sick on deck than I do inside, I headed up to the sunbathers' area and set out my towel next to some girls wearing the tiniest thongs I've ever seen. They were all really brown and oiling themselves up. Still, with all my scuba and diving off the back of the boat I felt like Princess Di so I didn't mind lying next to the professional tan team too much.

Sinead joined me for a bit and said: "This is the life Lis. I feel like we're celebrities." "I know. I was just thinking I feel like Princess Di." "Ha ha. I feel like the paps should be taking pictures of me so readers back home can discuss my beach body."

My second dive was much better. The water was clearer, the colours more vibrant and I didn't have to hold anyone's arm. I saw some more clams but they weren't as big as the giant one in the Cook Islands, and I found Nemo. There were millions of them. I went up and did some snorkeling. Shin and I tried to take some pictures of each other under water, so we'll see how those turn out.

I headed back onto the boat so I could take up my position on the sun deck for the journey back home. The thong brigade hadn't moved - I think they must have been real celebrities. Anyway, it was roasting so I kept topping up my sun cream and I was glad when the boat started off for home and I got a bit of a cooling breeze. It was great. I was lying on a speedboat on the other side of the world, getting some sun, not feeling sick and being pleased with myself cause scuba counts as exercise. Total celebrity!

A Japanese woman wearing a leopard and zebra print kaftan (make your mind up hen) sat down beside me and started munching on a sandwich. It was really windy so every time she went to take a bit, some of it would fly out and hit me in the face. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she said picking her tuna off my face. At first I didn't say anything and her apology was enough, but it happened another 2 times so I lost it and felt compelled to say: "Will you please get your sandwich under control!" Gross.

She eventually went back inside and left me food free, which I was pleased about. As the boat came back into the harbour, I got my stuff together and noticed the tops of my thighs were looking suspiciously pink. "Arggh! This is not a good sign." Needless to say, I spent that night with my legs covered in Solarcaine and wet towels. To make matters worse, every second advert on TV was about skin cancer. "Quick. Turn it over Shin. I can't bear to watch." Admittedly, I was feeling distinctly less like a celebrity after that.

Smuggling and cuddling

We left a bright and sunny Auckland and touched down in a humid and wet Cairns. My tactic for getting my passport stamped on the page I wanted finally paid dividends and I felt really pleased with myself.

I felt even more pleased for myself when I was treated to the unexpected comedy of Sinead's bag being singled out by the Sniffer Dog. Shin doesn't like dogs ("I'm no animal lover Lis!" and her face was a picture when Sam the Sniffer Dog and his Nazi Handler decided they needed to check her bag. There was loud sighing, unmistakable body language and some 'what a complete waste of time. muppets!' head shaking. The Handler asked Shin if she'd been carrying any lavender seeds in her bag and I had to stifle my giggles. Sinead's eyebrows did a few Mexican waves before she (caustically) answered: "Lavender seeds? Eh, no - I don't think so." "What's this?" the Handler enquired. "That would be a chocolate bar. The sniffer dog found a chocolate bar Lis, fancy that!"

We got sent over to Customs for a bag search. I'd decided not to declare Snowball - the wooden turtle I purchased in Aitutaki for the purpose of adding to my menagerie of carved animals (I only have 3 - including Snowball - and I don't intend to get anymore lest I become one of those weird 'collector' people who have too many cats, plants, Royal Doulton dolls or heads in their freezer). Anyway, it's just a wooden turtle souvenir and I couldn't really be bothered with the hassle so I just ticked 'No' on the form.

The Customs Officer opened up my bag and pulled Snowball out. Sinead shook her head and distanced herself from me. Holding Snowball by his head right in front of my face, the Customs Officer said "You need to declare this." "Oh? Oh! Oh, I totally forgot about that." I started smiling enthusiastically and made my eyes go even bigger. "I'm really sorry. I totally forgot." I put my hands to my face in a fiddle-de-dee gesture. The Customs Officer fetches a Government leaflet and goes through it with me. "Right. I see. I can completely understand. Really? Of course. Absolutely. I'm terribly sorry. Have a nice day." "You too dear. Enjoy your holiday!" Sinead is still shaking her head. "You're a bloody nutcase, Lis. I saw you feigning great interest in her leaflet. Getting into Australia might be a bit more difficult for you next time. Ha ha ha."

We checked into the Bohemia Resort. Nice. Another decent shower and a hairdryer. Although the beds are on wheels and the room has a tiled floor so every time I sit down I roll about 3 feet. It's absolutely pouring outside so we're in no hurry to get changed and go out. I'm setting up my beauty counter in the bathroom when Shin calls me out frantically. I figured there was a spider or a crocodile in the room, but it turns out to be something even more unbelievable.

"It's Oprah, Lis. Bloody Oprah." I don't believe it. She's only been talking about Oprah since we left. We get settled down to watch. It gets better. That Gayle woman is on the show and I can totally see why the rumours exist. They're reclining on chairbeds in front of the studio audience and talking about their experience at the Spa. At the ad break we find out the show is called 'Oprah and Gayle's Spa Adventure', Sinead is laughing so hard those little tears are running down her cheeks again.

Oprah and Gayle are exercising to gay anthems with a group of 'lucky viewers' they are celebrating as 'America's Women Warriors of 2008'. "Oh my God Shin. This couldn't be more gay if the Village People were working out with them." Shin laughs, "They just about are. Look Oprah's all dressed up as an army chief and Gayle's got her sweat bands on." "This is hilarious. I can't believe this is on."

Just then we turned and looked at each other reclining on our own beds. I was lying in my pants and Shin was wrapped in a towel toga style - and we both had our specs on. We burst out laughing and through the giggling Shin managed to say: "Check us, Lis. We're more gay than them. Look at us! With our specs on like a couple of literary lesbos. Ha ha ha - this is too funny. I was laughing so hard I started to choke.

We went out in the pouring rain and booked onto a Great Barrier Reef snorkeling and scuba trip for Sunday then went back to the Resort to cook up dinner on one of the self service BBQs. Shin beat me at pool - twice. It turns out, I'm only good at it when my Dad points to exactly the part of the ball I should hit.

Whilst booking the Great Barrier Reef tour, I - magpie-like - caught sight of a leaflet showing someone cuddling a Koala. "I'm going to do that tomorrow," I told Shin. Sinead said she wouldn't be cuddling any disease-ridden Koalas but she'd come with me for the trip. At 0930 the next morning, we caught the Kuaranda Scenic Railway up to the Tablelands rainforest. It was a really enjoyable trip with some good stuff to see along the way. Our favourite spot of the day was a 70-year old woman who looked a lot like me. "Lis, that'll be you in 45 years! Quick stand close to her and I'll get a picture." I did and we laughed all the way to the Koala cuddling.

The Koala was so cute and the pics are great. I thought briefly about trying to smuggle it out of Australia but decided that it might be difficult to get a plentiful supply of Eucalyptus in the UK. I think I'll just look for one on EBAY instead.