In the current climate ...

If I hear the phrase 'in the current climate' once more, I'm going to smack someone silly. How boring is this credit crunch shit? 24/7 ad nauseum. OK, it's a story, but it's not the only story. And it's not the end of the bloody world. All those folk with masses of money saved up and all it does is cause them stress. Octogenarians queuing at the banks to move their millions. Why are they still saving? They're queuing and complaining about the cold and they won't even part with some of their cash to buy themselves a coat. What the hell is going on?

I'd be the worst person to have working in a bank branch at the moment. With people lining up to take their money out, I wouldn't be able to resist doing my best Jimmy Stewart impersonation and saying: "Well, I don't have your money ... it's in Bill's house... and Ted's house." I'd think that was hilarious, but I'm not sure anyone else would find it funny.

My gran called me the other night and was asking if my job was safe. "Gran, you don't need to worry about me. I live two doors down from a sauna, I'll never struggle for work."

I was walking along the street today and The Scotsman headline board had the headline "Is Jenners feeling chill of Icelandic collapse?" Oh for fuck sake. Calm the parochialism. HBOS, RBS, Jenners... no doubt The Scotsman will relish in telling us the next victim of the credit crunch is Sean Connery, haggis or the See You Jimmy hat. Oh no, not our comedy hats. I say again, for fuck sake.

I went out to the cinema with 'date guy' last night. I still like him. The cinema was really busy but I spied a couple of seats. However, when I got along the row I noticed that a girl was sitting with her legs stretched out across the seats - effectively taking up three entire seats. I looked at her and smiled but she just gave me a 'challenging' look. I said "excuse me, can you move your feet please?", but still she just stared, daring me to do something. I love a dare, so I smiled and sat on her shins. She quickly changed her mind and withdrew her feet. Don't mess with me little girl. After the film,'Date guy' and I went for some drinks and he walked me home again.

Three-piece suite???

This is my last tale of 2006 and it happened today as I was on my way to have my annual boozy Hogmany lunch with Mog. The table was booked for one o'clock at Vermillion, and I was running late.

I left my flat wearing jeans, knee-high brown leather riding boots, a black velvet jacket, my grey silk scarf and my new red hat. Very smart, I thought. I walked down the street and turned on to Easter Road. A man jogged up behind me, slightly out of breath. He was Asian, about 35 years old and carrying a couple of shopping bags.

He started asking me something, I'd assumed it was for directions but I was really struggling to make anything out of it. I grasped only random words: "I saw you... my wife and I ...three-piece suite ... would you be interested?"

"I'm sorry," I said, "but I really didn't get any of that."

He paused for breath and started again.

"I saw you coming out of Scorpio Leisure ..." (Scorpio Leisure being the Sauna/Massage Parlour on my street.)

Suddenly it all became clear, they weren't trying to sell me a three-piece suite at all!

"Oh no no no no," I quickly interrupted him, "I live next to Scorpio Leisure, but I certainly don't work there."

"Oh ... right. Er ... I'm sorry."

"No worries. Erm ... Happy New Year to you ... and er ... to your wife."

I arrived at The Scotsman a bit flustered. I wonder how much he'd have offered?