The Spa Experience

Back on the Strip by 11am, we were still in shock from our early morning trip to the Canyon. I went back to the room to get my stuff for the spa experience I'd booked the preious evening and headed off to Mandara at the Paris Hotel.

When I booked my appointment, the receptionist had asked whether I wanted a man or a woman to give me my massage. i kinda wanted a man but felt that I'd sound too much like a filthy perv if I said that so I casually said: 'whatever suits.'

Apart from being a filthy perv, the main reason I wanted a male therapist is because I thought he'd massage me harder. My back was in knots and I fet like I needed to be massaged to within an inch of my life. Of course, the danger is that being a man he may well have rubbed my shouders for a full two minutes before sighing loudly and saying 'right is that enough?' before slapping my back so hard I'd be forced to say 'Ok. Fine. Don't trouble yourself. And before youask the answer to your next question is no'.

Anyway, in the absence of a man I got the next best thing - Irina from the Eastern Block. 'What a handshake,' I thought to myself, 'this is going to be good'. It was. In fact, it was better than good. She spent 60 minutes trying to kill me and it really helped out the tension in my shoulders. 'How'sh presshure?' she asked from time to time. I was almost crying but I knew it was helping so I kept saying 'good'.

I felt like I was swaying from side to side and going in and out of conciousness but that was probably because oo hooshe was massaging my carotid artery at the time. Get this,she cracked my back twice. Woo hoo!

Next I had a facial with Elena. I'd like to point out that if anyone is in any way self-concious about their face or skin, never ever get a facial. I wasn't, but I am now! When asked, I told Elena my skin was dry and tight on account f the flying and stuff. "Anything else?" she asked. "Well, it does get congested and my pores block up." She started smugly nodding her head. "Ah yes. Your skin is dreadfully congested, I can see. Your pores are very deep and open, I can see. And you have severe wrinkles on your forehead, I can see." "OK, OK, I get it."

She told me the only hope was microdermabrasion - they give this to the people on extreme makeover - and even then it probably wouldn't be enough. Feeling hideous, I told her to do whatever was necessary so she scratched off 3 layers of skin and spent a full 30 minutes digging out blackheads from the corners of my nose with something sore and sharp.

Next she bandaged my face in a Japanese silk mask, which was a soothing relief after all the pain. When I finally saw the results, I was pretty impressed. It looked and felt like I had new skin. It was lighter, brighter and tighter. I put my cash-wear robe back on and went out to settle my bill. I'd rather not talk too much about that but Iwould like to point out that I resisted their efforts to sell me some ant-ageing face and body lotion - a steal at only $500!!!!

I felt like a new and immproved person as I strolled out the Casino and back to my hotel. Sinead had spent 10 quid going to a chav spa and seemed to have a great time. We swapped spa stories and Sinead said: "Wouldyoulike a sour fish?" So I said "OK."